WoLFi TaLEs

13 Responses to “As a parent, what choice do you really have?”

1. I am going to have to blog the replies, because they would be FAR too long to reply to here. I will come back and let you know when the post is up. Is that acceptable? I really like the idea of participating in this, because I have wrestled with my choices and guilt from the time my son was born… well, I still do, so I can’t put an end date on that statement!

   Maria said this on August 22nd, 2008 at 12:05 am

2. Hey Maria. I know lots of questions…that still bring up more questions. I look forward to reading your post. As a parent choice and guilt seem to go hand in hand…you’re not alone.

   aztec-rose said this on August 22nd, 2008 at 12:16 am

3. I chose to go back to work after 6 months (at the time my pay stopped). Living in a very expensive city, there was no option. I fought hard for ‘flexi time’. I ended up getting 3 hours off a week if I worked til 11 pm one designated night. That awful arrangement was so vigorously fought that it cost me serious points with management. It was removed within 18 months.

   I want to work, I am a much better mother for some time away. However, I would love to work 3-4 days a week instead. So, not a real choice to work. It was FT or no time.
   Constraints? Money.
   Partner is great, a fully equal parent. Only laws will force companies to support working parents.
   Child-rearing from the workplace is an unfortunate phrase. I dont child rear from the workplace, I spend some time away working. But to answer your question, I feel more sadness than guilt. I know my child is happy, but I want more time with her.
   There is not enough information about the research you mention to comment fairly. When you report that longer leave was better for health and development, was that comparing it to an alternative 1:1 carer or to an overburdened daycare? etc. But, I generally think happy mother, happy child. If the Daycare is a good one and parents are happy, then i am sure it can work. Seems to work very well in Scandanavian countries. I would have gone back sooner if it meant shorter work weeks long term.

   Lilith said this on August 22nd, 2008 at 12:53 pm

4. Thanks Lilith, some really interesting insights. Yes, perhaps we do need to get tougher with laws, and legislate more strongly for family friendly options including the ‘right to request’ part time work recently brought into the UK.

   aztec-rose said this on August 23rd, 2008 at 5:14 pm

5. I had a meltdown the other day and declared that I wanted to move somewhere cheap, teach and do other things to make much less money. I don’t actually want to do that, because I would lose my Thursday night pub outing, close-by friends (the far away friends don’t leave anywhere cheap enough to make moving near them an option), a great school and other things I love about where we live. But it is a choice I have. I have more choices open to me than others (living in the most expensive city means moving out is always an option, for example).

   Real career paths for part time work seems essential to increasing the choice options, and the obvious answer to your research question. I have been thinking more about this, from the point of view as an employer, and I really think it can be done, with only a few shifts in attitude. If you want to be a part time manager, you need to accept that you need to be contactable 5 days a week. At the same time, the employer needs to accept that hearing kids in the background does not imply that what you say has any less weight or value. I am leaning towards it being doable. If my business ever gets that wealthy, I’ll let you know how it works out.

   Ariane said this on August 24th, 2008 at 9:15 pm

6. I like that, ‘real career paths for part time work’. I really do think it is the most supportive option for parents in particular, but also appealing to others who have care responsibilities or just want more life and less work. All the best with your business venture, and hang in there.

   aztec-rose said this on August 25th, 2008 at 10:43 am

7. Um, it took me a while but I finally wrote my response – also too long to post as a comment: http://twowomenblogging.blogspot.com/2008/08/how-do-you-keep-those-plates-in-air-by.html

   Jay said this on August 26th, 2008 at 11:06 am

8. Thanks Jay. Your post is really worth a look! A very thoughtful insight into the difficult decisions mothers make to keep all those ‘plates in the air.’ I am constantly amazed at how dextrous you and other parents have to be to keep the plates spinning, for very little recognition.

   aztec-rose said this on August 26th, 2008 at 4:33 pm

9. 1. What choices have you made in your life to work towards work, life, family balance? Do you feel you have been able to make ‘real’ or ‘genuine’ choices?

   When I was pregnant with my second child, I had a lot of pregnancy related issues (bleeding etc). At that time I was working part time (by choice) and doing post grad study part time. Because of continual bleeding etc I had to take time off work and ended up with no sick leave left (I am in Australia where I know we have it better than a lot of other places). Around the time that my leave ran out, I was up for contract renewal. I was told that I could either resign or I could stay and not have my contract renewed. Naturally I resigned. I could probably have fought it but I was already physically and emotionally vulnerable and didn’t need more stress, which my boss was fully aware of and took advantage of.

   2. What constraints have made it difficult for you to reconcile work, life, & family responsibilities?

   The cost and (lack of) availability of child care; the way my husband’s job is considered more important than mine because he is the CEO of an organisation and he earns considerably more. When children are sick I am the one expected to change my plans in order to care for them as his work is too important (for the above reasons). Also the travel required for my husband’s job means I have less time to do the things I want to do as I am caring for the children myself day and night.

   3. What support structures (govt, workplace, family etc) do you think are important in achieving balance or interconnectivity?

   Affordable and available childcare, universal health care, flexible working arrangements, flexibility and legal protection for workers who need to care for children and a general increase in the appreciation for what women do by working, mothering, running a household, being a partner/spouse etc and a relevant welfare system.

   4. What conflicting feelings, values or attitudes have you experienced in regards to childrearing from the workplace vs the home?

   One of my previous workplaces emphasised their family friendly attitudes and the managers were good in that regard, however coworkers were not appreciative of staff who finished early to collect children from school, staff who weren’t working during school vacations or staff who had to take time off to care for sick children – particularly coworkers who either didnt have their own children or who were able to have their children cared for by their partner or extended family.

   5. In what way is work life family balance a gender equality issue for you?

   It seems my husband’s position and work responsibilities are considered much more important than mine despite the fact I am much more qualified than he is and I am about to embark on my PhD. Because I work part time and care for children and study rather than work full time and make more money, I am seen as less worthy and my time less valuable, my opinion less valued. The expectation is that the children and the house should always come before any of my academic or professional aspirations or responsibilities.

   Bri said this on August 26th, 2008 at 5:41 pm

10. I am not sure if I will do you justice…. but here follows a few responses from a rambling sleep deprived mind

    What choices have you made in your life to work towards work, life, family balance? Do you feel you have been able to make ‘real’ or ‘genuine’ choices?

    We let Cooper – our first born dictate alot of the choices when he was born. This meant a move from Sydney where I had always aspired to climbing the NGO ladder.
    We felt we needed to alter our lifestyle and move from the inner west of Sydney so Cooper could learn to make a raft and sail the Southern Morton Bay Island rarther than learning how to pack and oozie (sp) or flick a knife. We wnted a life for him that was open, outdoors and as honest as can be. Being someone who wants to try and do everything…. my husband managed to get work on ‘the island’ and I scored a fabulous contract with a University that ended after my second child was born.

    What constraints have made it difficult for you to reconcile work, life, & family responsibilities?

    I have always said that I need to work for someone. It is more about my ego than anything. I enjoy being good at what I do and being admired for it. I don’t get much of that being a mum. I love being a mum and love my boys but feel like I don’t have the skills in child care.
    The constraints for me are the expectations (mainly from myself) of being able to do all of this, remain functional, hold intelligent conversations and maintain a clean house with very little sleep a fiery temper and screaming kids.

    What support structures (govt, workplace, family etc) do you think are important in achieving balance or interconnectivity?

    My family – namely mum are what I rely on the most. Initially, she offered one day per week to take my eldest while I worked and grew another small person. I felt entitled to the time and not grateful enough. When the arrangement failed I found it difficult to manage as I didn’t want to rely on childcare totally. I organised to work from home and went into teh office once a fortnight. I was annoyed work didn’t provide care on site.

    What conflicting feelings, values or attitudes have you experienced in regards to childrearing from the workplace vs the home?
    In the last contract I negociated exactly what I wanted and made it clear that my kids came first. There were times where I felt it was used against me but I tried to assert myself and state that it was my issue and I would find a solution taht would suit a particular situation. One solution involved coordinating an interstate meeting for when my mother could look after my eldest son. I would always try to organise meetings in teh morning as that is when I funtioned best. Short of scheduling “crazy pregnant lady time” for teh afternoon I effectively tried to manage my life as it suited me.

    In what way is work life family balance a gender equality issue for you?
    Initially I planned to go back to work in three months. I then extended, moved states and had my year off with my first born. The second time around I have aimed for a year and submited proposals fo additional funding to fit in with ensuring aI have a year with my new small person and have time as a whole family with view to undertaking more study and the hubby being the primary care giver…. see how we go

    Lauren said this on August 28th, 2008 at 8:56 am

11. Thanks Bri and Megan for these really enlightening answers. It is amazing how much negotiating, renegotiating, and shifting of lives goes into finding the right balance. Thanks to both of you for being so honest with the challenges you have faced and well done on working through them.

    aztec-rose said this on August 28th, 2008 at 5:30 pm

12. 1. What choices have you made in your life to work towards work, life, family balance? Do you feel you have been able to make ‘real’ or ‘genuine’ choices?

    I’ve taken a part time job. This is definitely a real choice for me because I don’t want out of the work world entirely, but need time to care for my kids and aging in-laws (Alzheimer’s).

    2. What constraints have made it difficult for you to reconcile work, life, & family responsibilities?

    Fortunately, my company allowed me to work part time (3 days per week) after I realized I couldn’t handle both a full time intense job and my child/elder care issues. Unfortunately, with budget cuts lately, I’ve been told that a day of work for an exempt employee (meaning not eligible for overtime in the U.S.) is 9 hours – which makes getting the kids to and from school difficult, even if you include the extended day care the school offers at a fee.

    Now, given budget issues, the company wants to cut me to 2 days a week, which may not be worth it financially.

    Work isn’t the only constraint. The family issues can get so big, so time consuming that being able to work is difficult.

    3. What support structures (govt, workplace, family etc) do you think are important in achieving balance or interconnectivity?

    In the U.S. the government has mandated that an employer guarantee “the same or substantially similar” job to a person who goes out on medical leave (as defined by law). This leave does include time off used for caring for a family member (a close one – like a grandparent, but not a cousin) who is VERY ill.

    The job protection lasts for just 12 weeks (except for special laws in California with regards to birth or adoption of a child), and is a compromise for the employer and employee. Of course, I’d like to see more, but I get it.

    I’d like to see the following changes in the law:
    1. That the severity of the illness be defined to include time to help the elderly who need help, but aren’t necessarily seriously ill. A broken hip could require a month of help, but may not be serious enough to allow job protection.
    2. That the employer must allow additional leave time (without the job guarantee, but with continued benefits offered by the company to those actively working) up to a certain limit as needed.

    4. What conflicting feelings, values or attitudes have you experienced in regards to childrearing from the workplace vs the home?

    I know I don’t have the patience or full time child or elder care (but will do it for my in-laws when the time comes, I imagine). But as for my kids, I’d like to have more fun time with the kids and get to know their friends better.

    The other thing is that I’ve had to take a job that is less prestigious, and gives me less contact with people (not just senior management) as I used to have at work.

    Also, at school, there seems to be a cultural divide between those of us who work outside the home and the SAHMs. The SAHMs spend time socializing after drop off and before pickup. They are a clique. For the working moms, we don’t get as included in the school community because we many drop off or pick up at different times of day depending on work schedules and don’t have a chance to socialize as much.

    5. In what way is work life family balance a gender equality issue for you?

    Interestingly, my boss is a mom who used to stay at home, and also worked part time for a while, yet she doesn’t understand my challenges. The men at work are more sympathetic. But I know this is not typical.

    My husband has a pretty intense job, but he enjoys the kids a lot, so I wouldn’t say that our child rearing is skewed on gender lines. He spends whatever time he can, and gives me a break. Our cooking is gender biased, though. I cook inside and he cooks outside.

    As for elder care, I am the primary helper. This is probably because most of the help they need is during the day (medical appointments, etc.). But I think it is also because I’m helping his parents, and what is going on with them is much more emotionally difficult for him than it is for me. I love them, to be sure, but I’ve only known them for 17 years, and he has known them for 44.

    6. Research by Galtry & Callister (2005) suggest shorter leaves are better for gender equality while longer leaves are better for child health and development. How do you feel about this?

    Heck, I don’t know. I think every parenting situation is different as is every work situation. In these days where more and more people work full time outside the office (i.e. telecommuting), I think the hypothesis noted above will be less and less true because “face time” won’t be so important.

    Kay said this on August 31st, 2008 at 2:10 am

13. You bring up some really interesting issues about the intensity of care work, elder as well as child, and like you point out you don’t have to be accutely ill to need lots of care time!

    aztec-rose said this on August 31st, 2008 at 5:32 pm