Paying Parents to Care
posted Tuesday, August 12th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I was just reflecting on the unpaid, unsung, unrecognised care and cajoling parents do every day. Unlike the 1950s movies and sitcoms, many children DO NOT eat their meals without a fuss, get dressed without some resistance, like sharing, enjoy brushing their teeth or having their hair washed. Many, often quite well-parented children DO NOT want to be told it’s bedtime, enjoy being strapped in to their booster car seats, or want get out of the door at the set time even if it is to go to a birthday party. And I guess having sunscreen applied was not such an issue in the 50′s, but it certainly is in certain households. There’s a lot of persuading, convincing, and yes sometimes bribing that has to go on in daily parenting, even for parents that are Triple P certified. OK, I fess up, I’m talking about my life, not all you far more competent parents out there. I admit, now that my daughter Possum is 5, I have been guilty of saying ‘ if you don’t do xxx you won’t play with xxx after school’ (this often happens when we’re still trying to get out the door to that said school, and I’m starting to panic).
It made me think that there should be an Olympic medal for parents…or perhaps a trophy of some kind, to reward and recognise the hard work, dedication, patience, the coaching and Olympic effort put into parenting. I know, research shows that even if there is no reward, no recognition, many parents continue to devote loads of unconditional time to their offspring because its a matter of love…but sometimes it’s not enough. Some parents just fall off the rails, buckle under the relentless pressure, or experience burnout from trying to be the ever-available ‘supermum’ or in the case of Looky Daddy ‘superdad’.
But is this fair? A parent friend of mine, admitted a while back, that her job as a nurse in a busy hospital emergency department was much easier and relaxing that looking after her two (I thought adorable) children. I was a bit gobsmacked, until I realised that she is paid for the care she gives her patients, and she has a support network of staff around her at all times, despite the high stress nature of her work. At home, she is the primary carer, while hubby works long hours and often weekends. Most of her family live overseas…so the responsibility of her children lies mostly on her shoulders. I feel blessed to have a very supportive equally shared parenting situation (see our real life story here) but even so, there are days when being a parent is just plain hard work. (I’ll blog another day about all the upsides – and believe me there are many!)
So it made me think this issue of valueing care and putting money where our mouth is, and paying parents a decent wage to care is really a critical issue… A post on paid parental leave by Penguin Unearthed really explores the ins and outs of this issue. So what are your thoughts, as a parent, or non-parent? How much paid parental leave is fair? Is it fair, the value we place on unpaid care? Do parents deserve Olympic medals?
I am completely in favour of paid parental leave after the birth of a baby and for as long as we can realistically afford it. However, I suspect that the main reason that nursing, or any other job, is relaxing compared with parenting is less about money and more about responsibility. At work, there is always some form of opt out. You can appeal to co-workers or more senior people, you can stand back and say “This is outside my job spec”, or if absolutely no other option is available, you can quit. Even if practically that isn’t an option, emotionally it is there. There is no escaping parenting. There is no-one else (when partner isn’t available) to pass it on to. And most annoyingly, no demarcation.
I think we need honesty. Medals are good, but lots of people saying “This is hard, I need help” would be even better. I have been blessed to find a fellow parent who is happy to ask for picking up kids help. This is awesome. I can ask when I need help, and so can she. But there should be much more of this all the way through parenting. Mothers groups should be all about screaming for help, not discussing the successes and struggles.
Ooops, started a rant again. Sorry.
Ariane said this on August 13th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Amen Ariane. I would say that in order to be actually useful, a proper mothers’ group should be at least a little bit seditious. When you have someplace to go where you can vent about your struggles, but there’s always a pressure to sum up with, “but it’s worth it,” or “I’m learning to handle it” then it’s not really a support system. It’s a norming system. (You may vent only enough to relieve the pressure so you can go back to it. Take care that you don’t vent so much that you begin to recognize any innate unfairnesses or nurse unanswerable grudges.)
Megan said this on August 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
As a fulltime mum and carer to my young son, I fully believe we are truly undervalued by the Government. Because of his health and disabilities, he is homeschooled. Therefore, there is less money the Government needs to spend on aides, teachers and having specialist equipment provided for the school. I am his nurse and doctor. He willnot be admitted to hospital unless he is critical because of the risk of cross-infection, so I care for him 24 hours per day, with no shifts or tea breaks. I am constantly checking and reassessing his health to decide which medicines he needs today, and which therapies we will do. We do see Therapists, once a month, so every other day, I am his speech therapist, his physio and his occupational therapist. Besides all these, I am his advocate and his secretary – there is so much paperwork invovled in anything we do. Just a simple visit to the doctors, involves a least an hour of paper work and delivering it. On top of all this I am his Mum. There is the usual list of everything a Mum does – cook, cleaner, laundress, music teacher, playground supervisor, social co-ordinator, sundayschool teacher and hug provider. For all this work, which I am doing, I am paid a tiny little pension. ABSOLUTELY are we undervalued in this society for what we do.
T Mitchell said this on August 30th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Wow, after reading this post I realise our whole society would collapse if it weren’t for people like you who care so unconditionally, for so little social recompense. The pathetic pension you describe is an absolute insult to the intensity of the work you describe. I know when Rudd was looking at ‘budgeting’ the carer’s allowance there was outrage, now I understand why.
aztec-rose said this on August 31st, 2008 at 5:51 pm